The holidays. Myths wrapped around legends. Today, modern consumerism tells you to spend all your money to enjoy the season. Why, when most of us live paycheck to paycheck. One problem away from being out on the streets. I love the music though.
When did I get classified as someone outside the normal? Because I hide from the society I live in? Because I make rash decisions? If that’s it then the government is mentally ill.
Who made these rules? Lets reverse the roles for a while. Kind of like Boxing Day. Hell I don’t think we could screw things up any worse.
You know I love sad songs (sorry, no country). I love to have emotions. Something I lacked most my life. Sometimes I do feel happy and even more times I feel content. Those that set the rules peg me for an outsider if you will, but your the outsider in my world.
Triple Play. Tis the season. For me it’s the season for deep depression. I, like many, suffer from seasonal depression. I also am one of those that hate the holidays. And to top it off, my job sucks. It’s being in a deep dark dirty hole with smooth sides and things moving around on the floor with no way out.
I remember happy times at Christmas. They were when I was growing up and I had no worries as of yet. I carry those memories to this day. But the teens hit along with consumerism. You are led to believe you must give presents to everyone you seem to know. You are stuck begging mom and dad for the money to do this. My parents were not well off so there was no extra money for this. How embarrassing to not have gifts for those who give them to you. I think that that time was when my feelings for Christmas went South.
I’ve lived in Colorado and Washington state and have either had to travel in or work in the winter weather at both locations. Enough said about that.
Lastly is the job. I hate all jobs. Undiagnosed bipolar for most my life, I screwed up so many jobs it’s not even funny. So here I am taking shit jobs to make a living when I should be secure in a good job.
All said before is my depression reasons. Oh, one last one. I’m lucky enough to get micro bursts of happiness that last only long enough for you to realize your going down again. God, I love December.
I walk a path. It winds around and has hills and valleys. But most of all it is full of y’s in the path. I get my choice. My choice of which way to go. Some call these “the next adventure”. I try to. But more often I see blocks in my way. Depending on which “phase” of bipolar I am in will dictate whether I see opportunity or dragons down the path.
If you can’t understand yet, I really do not enjoy choices anymore. Probably because I’ve spent a life making the wrong ones and being eaten alive. For each wrong choice may not seem too bad but add them up over a lifetime and they can be significant. As Springsteen sings, “I stand at every door and leave with less than I had before”. I’ve lost a little each time and I’ve gotten to the point where it feels like I won’t ever be able to catch back up.
Sorry for the down entry. I’ve made a shift to a depressed phase of my bipolar and I can’t see much brightness to speak of. I go in to see my shrink Monday and hope he can change my meds a little to help out. I guess I’m just one of the millions of depressed people at this time of year….
You never know. It has taken me all my life to understand this. I have lived with the naive belief that you would know your highest highs, when you had reached the throne. I also believed you would know when, or if, you would be knocked from it.
So many times I have compared life to mountains and valleys where you could see the outcome of the your journey. I used this analogy to run my life, especially in my manic impulsive episodes. When I was depressed I would envision me in this valley with no way out. Manic side being the opposite in that I could only climb higher and higher.
I’ve changed that view more or less. I now look at my life in comparison to the stock market. It’s a daily gamble, sometimes you get a winning streak and sometimes it gets lost in a minute.
I’m at a low in my life right now. I’ve been knocked hard from my perceived throne over the past few years. Each time I seem to gain ground something seems to get in my way to stop the climb. I understand that maybe this is the highest I will ever get again and I’m actually okay with that. That’s not to say that I’ve given up trying. It’s just that you never know.
Relaxdamit brought up a good thought in the comments from my last entry. They suggested keeping a journal.
I’ve tried journaling before and like some, I can’t seem to do it. Why is it I can’t keep a journal? It goes deeper than just a lack of focus, even though I’m sure that plays its part.
It goes into my feelings about myself. I’ve always known of my anxiety, or shyness as they used to call it, but never looked at how it controls my self worth. I understand now that I have crappy feelings about my value in this life. This all leads me to believe, even in a journal to myself, that my words are worthless.
I always find it interesting when you come across these revelations about yourself. I’ll definitely have to work harder on this one and thanks Relaxdamit.
Help. I’m lost. I sit and ask myself who I am and no real answer comes up. All I get are the scripted answers placed in my psyche through years of outside interaction. I’m lost under layer upon layer of doubt and fear.
I ask myself if it’s because of the bipolar or the anxiety? Do they prevent me from understanding? God, I wish I could wash the oxidation away and see the shiny truth that is me. Someday, maybe…
I’m tired of people who say suicide is “taking the easy way out”. And especially if they have never had suicidal thoughts themselves. It’s ridiculous.
I’m not pro suicide or anything, far from it. If they only understood the incredible difficulty with suicide, maybe they’d change their opinion (probably not though).
If you ask them “would you it?”, the answer would probably be “are you crazy, I wouldn’t even think of it”. To me, I think the question should be “could you do it?”, then you get the real answer of “no I couldn’t”. Why, because that has to be one of the toughest actions to perform in any persons life. So I can’t believe they can naively say it’s an easy way out of problems.
Again I want to state that I am not an advocate of suicide. If you are carrying suicidal thoughts, I pray you seek help. I have been there myself many times and it’s a bitch to make it through. But I hope you do.